Almost Arranged

You’re giving me bad vibrations…. [Sung to the tune of Good Vibrations]

Last week Mom got word that a GI doc’s family might be interested in meeting me. His mother had searched Facebook for my picture (Don’t worry, I cleaned up my profile post mommies joining Facebook several years ago) and gave me a preliminary OK. Cell phone numbers and emails were exchanged via the 3rd party aunt orchestrating the arrangement, but after five days, I had received no contact from the boy or his family. From experience, I can tell you with certainty that if it takes more than two days to receive communication, something is wrong… And, as predicted, tonight my mother casually popped her head up from behind her Kindle and said, “Oh, Reina, that GI doc’s family said that they do not feel good vibes about you. I am not sure why, but that’s what they said.” 

Now, this isn’t the first time that I have been rejected by a doctor, but the the first time was more quickly and the blow was less painful. The first boy wanted to marry another doctor. A lot of docs want to marry with other docs, and with the long hours docs work and the level of pressure they undergo, I get it. For me, being with someone that is loving and caring trumps profession, but as I would never compromise on either of those two characteristics, I would never ask or expect anyone to compromise on his or her prerequisites. This particular situation is different though as the rejection wasn’t based on tangible concrete facts. In fact, it was based on intangible almost ethereal facts, which is why it perfectly demonstrates the the hint of lunacy in the arranged marriage process.

To me, rejecting someone that one has never met or determining that one gives off bad vibes on the basis of hearsay or superficial investigations is to be superstitious and irrational. Perhaps, there was more to this story or perhaps, the family stumbled upon my blog and didn’t want their son chronicled? (Although, I never write about anyone who asks not to be written about.) Whatever the real reason may be, it would have been ten times more human, civil, and kind for the family to have plead the fifth then to have vocalized their assumptions regarding my vibrations. 

I know most of you are thinking that I should just ignore the guy and more on, but this is easier said than done. As someone that continuously works on being an individual for all or rather someone who is a beacon of love, light, and integrity, moments like this suck. There is no other way to say it—they suck big time. Most of all because they make no sense. While part of me wants to call this boy’s mother and ask her what her analysis of me is based on, my better half is yearning to rise above all of this, and to stay on track. I find the situation temporarily crippling though, and what’s even more disturbing to me is my reaction as it is just as illogical as the act committed. 

I am not sure what to take from or make of this experience, but  I am committed to making my good vibrations stronger, better, faster and fiercer even if my actual vibrations are in perfect condition.  As well, I am going to put my quest to be arranged on hold for a wee bit. Right now, I just have too much going on to allow unwarranted commentary to derail me. Have no fear though as this does not mean the end of Almost Arranged. I will continue to post all pending stories for your personal enjoyment shortly, and me-oh-my do I have some good ones ;) 

xx

R

Leave Note / Reblog

A letter to my brothers, and my sisters

Dear Indian Brothers and Sisters, 

This letter stems from the heart, and its sole purpose is to enlighten NOT to dishearten. Please leave your emotions, judgments, and hang ups at the door, and focus as though this is a reading comp essay. In other words, take notes.

From my own experience, and from the experiences of many of my friends, it has become clear to me that we are not as wise as we let on to be, especially those of us that are single. I am sure like me, many of you possess an ounce of regret about someone you have dated. Now, I personally try not to regret anything, but unfortunately, when it comes to men, I do have a few regrets. Regardless, this regret has now smartened me up to the reality that maybe, just maybe, a man that my mother an uber successful physician with a rockstar husband, 3 kids, 4 yorkies, and a bunch of other stuff that some make deem materialistic (even though you know you want a piece,) might have some sense when it comes to picking an eligible mate. Now, she didn’t have a choice when it came to my dad, but knowing my dad really well, I know that marrying him wasn’t easy. My mom put in a lot of work, and the two of them are now one of the most in love, and devoted couples that I have ever met. This weekend actually marks their 35^th wedding anniversary, and after 35 long years, these two still hold hands, snuggle, and even kiss! I know you’re thinking this is gross, but while I used to be in camp Gross, now, I am in camp Amazing! As I age, I am more aware now than ever that I want a piece of the kind of love my parents share—lasting love. You should too.  The question remains though, how does one find this kind of love?

While many of you may have already found lasting love, be it in a bar or via friend or via an arrangement of sorts, those of you that haven’t need to wise up, and need to start accepting offers to meet people even if the offer is via a member of your family. If you were to meet an Indian man or woman in a bar or perhaps through friends, would you be opposed to dating him or her? I am going to answer this question for you because again, I have lost my faith in the brilliance of our people. The answer is: NO.

Most young single Indians in my life would be over the moon about meeting an Indian that s/he ACTUALLY deemed cool or rather “different” from the other Indians s/he has met. Having dated a white man myself, I can say with certainty that the opportunity to meet and/or date someone that could relate to me on cultural and spiritual level is of tremendous interest to me. In actuality, I think it is something that has always been of interest to me under the surface even though I have never admitted it to myself, and still hold on to the belief that interracial couples make prettier babies. 

As some of you may think that I am speaking crazy speak, I can prove that I am not. It is also why I bring up the Jews. You see, Jewish people have it all figured out. They are a perfect example of a community that wholeheartedly supports and loves their own. It is also why they are incredibly successful and dominate globally. In regards to dating, have you ever heard of J-date? Jewish people of all ages set up profiles on the site in an effort to meet other Jews, and vie for a chance to have their picture plastered on the side of a zillion story building in New York’s Time Square. Having had a number of Jewish friend’s on the site, I know it works. Jewish people also do the arranged thing, but with J-date being such a success, Jewish elders don’t have to work as hard to find matches for their youth. Unfortunately for Indians though, we don’t have the luxury of a user friendly dating website. Instead, we have a hodgepodge of disorganized caste specific sites, which are composed of parents pretending to be their children. Of course, I know this, because I had the honor of being represented on one of these sites by one of my aunts, and can say with certainty that the experienced sucked. This leaves us with one option: Arranging. 

Now, for the main point of my letter:  Please wise up to the reality that if you want to meet that special someone, and have no leads that it makes no sense to discount leads from your elders.

With the birth of Facebook and LinkedIn and other social networking sites, you can search your potential mates profile in order to sort out who his/her mutual friends are and what his/her likes, hobbies and interest are. I am not telling you to judge someone by his/her Facebook profile, but am just letting you know that the 21^st Century has granted us options that our forefathers did not have. As such, you have no reason not to go on as many dates as possible. Life isn’t long, and when you do find the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, chances are you wouldn’t have minded meeting them several years earlier.

And, if you are still in camp leave me to my lonesome, and are pressured into meeting, dating, or marrying someone that you are not interested in meeting, dating or marrying for any number of reasons, please have some integrity and act accordingly:

1) Simply, grow a pair of cahones and refuse to meet, date or marry. Just refuse. I know what’s it’s like to have your parents freak out, but time is money, and life is short, so take a stand, and stop wasting everyone’s time. (You know who you are.)

2) If you are seeing someone, please tell your folks, so they take you off the market. There is nothing worse than being stood up, let alone by someone with a partner. I am not sure why so many of you think it’s OK to stand people up, but it’s not. It’s uncivilized and disgusting, and Karma’s a bitch, and it’s going to get you. (You definitely know who you are.)

3) If you refuse to be honest with your family about your reasoning or circumstance, please, please, please just email, text or call the individual you are destined to meet and let them know that you cannot meet him or her or are simply not interested in meeting people this way. If one of you dudes didn’t want to meet me, because you were dating someone that you didn’t want your parent’s to know about, I would lie for you (even though I never ever lie,) and say that I had met you, and that it didn’t work out. I would lie for you, because I get that some of us are still scared of our parents, and still live for them. I would also lie for you, because I would respect you for not wasting my time, and for being honest. (Again, you know who you are.)

We need to wise up as a people, and begin to celebrate the opportunity to meet each other, and this spans beyond meeting just Indians. Commit yourself to meeting people, and if you happen to meet an Indian—fantastic! We are all brilliant and talented individuals with an endless number of interests, so even if you do not find your soul mate at the end of that cup of coffee or glass of wine, be certain that you will have at the very least, made a connection with another living being, and that it is through connecting with one another that the world goes round.

I believe in you. Best of luck.

xx,

R

Leave Note / Reblog

So, are you married yet?

So, are you married yet? 

When can we meet your husband? Is he going to pick you up on his magic carpet?

My return to the US sparked a wildfire of questions regarding my marital status. Everyone from my best friends to my doormen had something to say. As my brother’s friend put it, “Reina, What did you expect when you got back? Your marital status is kind of a running joke now.”  While I know this particular friend did not mean to refer to my marital status as a “joke,” I realize that Almost Arranged has turned this aspect of my life into a parody of sorts, but since I find the blog to be therapeutic, I am teaching myself to take the blows lightly.

I know you are probably wondering what has taken me so long to write. Well, while India inundated me with a tremendous amount of material to reflect upon, it also burned me out. I knew the topic of my singledom would be discussed, but I didn’t realize how much.  By the end of my trip I wanted nothing more than to avoid the topic in its entirety. My friend May and I covered a tremendous amount of ground sans family. The times we did encounter family though we spent gorging on high fructose delicacies, and discussing my marital status. Despite my efforts to avoid the subject, my adoring uncles and aunts, assured me that they were praying daily for my marriage to take place. “You will meet someone soon, beta. We are praying for you. We are praying for all of you. Just be patient.” In actuality, even our drivers even expressed concern, and wanted to know why we were trekking through India unmarried. We learned quickly that being unmarried women in our late 20s in India left us wide open to ego-piercing bullets of judgment, disappointment, and sympathy.

You see, every married Indian has an opinion about what marriage means for a young woman, and every married Indian also feels obliged to share his/her wisdom with single folk. In my aunt’s opinion,  “Life does not begin until one is married.” (As far as I know, my life began on July 23, 1981, but what do I know?) To make matters worse, each relative had also received a preliminary phone call from my mother asking them to talk to me about taking marriage more seriously. From my father’s cousin’s cousin to my aunt’s friend of a friend of a friend, I discussed marriage over the phone, over dinner, over 18 hour car rides to holy places guaranteed to bless me with a man, etc… My girl friend May was subjected to each of these conversations, and always respectfully listened in silence. No one ever believes me when I relay stories of the weighted anxiety inducing conversations I partake in unless s/he is Indian, so it was a privilege to have one of my girl friends experience the pressure first hand. Although, I am not sure if it was such a good idea to have May tuned in all the time as one evening, in a robotic tone she asked,  “Reina, why don’t you marry someone your parents think is nice and make them happy. What if you go along with it and see what happens?” The look of horror and disbelief on my face quickly snapped the brainwash right out of her, and her strange behavior has yet to show it’s face again. 

If I had to prioritize my life goals as my life dangles on the edge of 30, getting married and starting a family top the list; however, as I have yet to meet the special someone that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with, I refuse to put the rest of my life on hold. Besides, most of us women know that waiting by the phone for a text message or phone call or even a Facebook Friend Request alert does not work—instead it breeds unnecessary anxiety. It also compromises one’s ability to focus. In my experience, it is in moments when I have been living in the moment and am proactively and productively creating, crafting, and accomplishing that magical things happen to me (i.e. meeting someone and falling in love.) I am 100% committed to meeting anyone, yes anyone, my parents or extended friends and family would like me to meet, but under no circumstance will I allow myself to be pressured into a union that I cannot wholeheartedly give my all too.

In reality, I wanted nothing more than to share a happy ending with you post India, especially because I would have been able to turn this whole blog into a book/movie deal called Eat, Blog, Arranged, but you see, good men floating around on luxury magic carpets are hard to find. Seriously though, single men in their late 20s and 30s in India are hard to find, and in the US, the nice ones are either committed or are vehemently opposed to being introduced to a parent-approved mate. I do believe a shift is taking place in the minds of young professionals though—younger people are getting married sooner. Several of my younger brother’s friend’s were married this year alone, and my parents seem to be gallivanting to more weddings than usual lately. I am hoping that this shift is contagious, and that the boys born in the years between 1975 to 1981 catch on. Until then, I am going to remain positive. I am going to commit myself to being my best me.

As my spin instructor said in class the other day, “Don’t focus on the ground. There is nothing there. Everything you want is right in front of you. Steady your gaze straight ahead.” 

Xx

 

Leave Note / Reblog